


Heat Wave

by endoftheziam



Category: One Direction (Band), ziam - Fandom
Genre: 1D fic - Freeform, 1D fic recs, 1d, Alternate Universe - Office, Angst, Baller, Dramatic, Fanfiction, Harry/kale is the real otp, Hiking, Hospitals, Hugo Award, I don't care if its unrealistic let me live, Love, M/M, Nature, Office, Office AU, SO, Summer Fic, THIS IS SELF-INDULGENT, The Archer - Freeform, They bone, Zayn/Liam - Freeform, Ziam Fic Exchange 2k17, Ziam Mayne - Freeform, bc I be feeling some shit, feat no one wanting to confess their feelings, heat wave, hospital cliches, in this house we confess our feelings, liam is an office manager, maybe I quoted t swift, maybe not, oh hey this is a hugo award winning site, one direction - Freeform, outside, this award winning fiction brought to you by me being sad, this is basically me working through my own issues, zayn is an it worker, ziam, ziam summer slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-07-11 16:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19930756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endoftheziam/pseuds/endoftheziam
Summary: Zayn's boss has ordered him to go on a nature hike. Never mind that Zayn would rather be at home, listening to music  and Not Talking to People. Never mind that Zayn hates being outside, and hates it even more when there's a heat wave.Worse, his guide is none other than Hot Liam from the Front Desk. Beautiful, kind Liam with the Impossible Arms. Liam, who's totally Straight, right? Right?Liam just broke up with his girlfriend, and he really needs some perspective. Like, stand on top of a great overlook, take a deep breath perspective. But instead, he has to put up with this nerd from IT with a million tattoos and absolutely no appreciation for the outdoors.But maybe this guy isn't so bad. Maybe he's kind of--endearing?Featuring exhaustion-fueled heart to hearts, cameos from Louis and Harry, and breathtaking views ;). Will be updated fully by the end of this week, in honor of One Direction's anniversary, a band I love more than life itself.





	1. 7 AM

ZAYN  
  
Zayn was pretty sure that he was being pranked.  
  
I mean, first it had been the memo sent out by Patricia, labeled Urgent with an extra five exclamation points.  
  
Then the contents…  
  
This had to be a joke, right? No one actually cared if their employees got a glimpse of nature…a chance to relax and unwind…an appreciation for the Earth’s beauty?  
  
But when Zayn had gone to her office to ask, she’d been adamant.  
  
“Hiking trip. Saturday morning.”  
“You have to be kidding me. I have so much work this weekend!" Zayn ran a hand across his face, not even caring that the ink reminders he’d written onto his skin would rub off. “I don’t have time for a nature walk.”  
“It’s non-negotiable. CEO’s orders.”  
“When did Travis Parker turn into such a hippie?” Zayn rolled his eyes.  
“I’m pretty sure it’s the weed.” Patricia grinned. “It’ll be good for you. They say Vitamin D helps with depression.”  
“I’m not depressed.”  
“You’ve been talking exclusively about New Girl for the last two weeks.”  
“Because it’s a great show.”  
“That’s the same sweater you wore yesterday.”  
Zayn looked down, frowned. “It wasn’t dirty.”  
Patricia stood. She was clumsier and slower in her heels, but she always insisted on wearing them.  
  
I don’t look intimidating in flats,” she’d confessed to Zayn. “I’m not tall enough.”  
“I don’t know,” Zayn had shot back. “You’re pretty intimidating to me.”  
  
And she was. For all of her five feet, Patricia had a purposeful intensity about her. It may have been the MMA classes, or the air of authority, but she looked like a coiled spring. She’d walk into a room, and it would go silent in seconds.  
  
Even teetering on heels, she looked intimidating. But Zayn knew it was an act. He knew she was also the kind of person who ate too much ice cream and cried over romantic comedies and bought her friends flowers just because. She placed a hand on Zayn’s shoulder, her eyes soft and comforting. “Dude. As your friend. You need a break. The work won’t be going anywhere.”  
Zayn sighed. “What time?”  
“7:00 AM.”  
“Fine.” Zayn turned to leave.  
“Oh, and Zayn? I’m sending along someone from HR, just you know—to keep you motivated.”  
Zayn could hear in her voice that it was probably a bad idea.

Now, sitting in his car in the parking lot, listening to the blissed-out notes of the 1975 and relishing his last few seconds of air conditioning, Zayn knew that this was a bad idea.  
  
There was only one other vehicle here at this time of day. And it was a giant pick up truck. The kind of truck that probably double-parked, or ran over little cars just for fun. The kind of truck that practically screamed “Overcompensating,” and “Owns several guns” and “Thinks that homosexuality is a disease.”  
Zayn put his head in his hands. She was going to make him go on a hike with some redneck homophobe, and this was supposed to destress?  
  
He pulled out his phone, searching through his contacts. Patricia wouldn’t like being woken up at 7 AM—well, she could join the club.  
  
"Hey, I’m not comfortable with the HR guy? Can I be—"  
There was a sharp rap at his window, and Zayn jumped, his phone sliding out of his hands and onto his crotch.  
Zayn looked at the driver’s side, ready to tell this HR guy off once and for all, and maybe—  
His mouth dropped open.  
“Hey,” the man waved through the window. “Are you Zayn? I’m Liam, from HR.”  
Zayn gulped. Liam.  
Liam, from the front desk.  
He was fucking legendary. Ripped abs, perfectly quaffed hair. He had this crinkle in his nose that he got when he smiled, and these soft brown eyes.  
Worse, Liam was so—nice. Even when Zayn was surly and grumpy, he’d always say hello. Ask if he needed anything, smile at him in the hallways.  
One time, Zayn had seen him help an old lady across the street.  
Seriously.  
Everyone was in love with him. Even Patricia would sigh when he walked by, and one of Zayn’s friends from IT, Pierre, actually saluted.  
“God, I would die for him,” Pierre said.  
Zayn grunted.  
“Don’t act like you’re immune. Didn’t you fall on your face in front of him yesterday?”  
To be fair, Zayn had been carrying a stack of copies, and Liam had smiled at him over the copier, and had they moved the door?  
"He's straight." Zayn said.  
"You sure?"  
Zayn surveyed him again. The blender bottle atop his desk. The perfect suit. The picture of his girlfriend that he kept on display, just so that he could tell people how beautiful she was.  
Suddenly, Liam looked up, and his eyes met Zayn's. A surge of heat rushed to Zayn's cheeks, and he looked away.  
"Yeah, I'm sure." 

Zayn rummaged in his lap for his phone and carefully deleted the (thankfully) unsent text.  
Zayn was pretty sure that he was in for the most humiliating day of his life, but it would be worth it to keep looking at Liam’s arms in that tank top.  
  
Seriously, he had to be at the gym every day or something. His muscles were art. There were probably songs written about him. "An Ode to Liam’s arms."  
Liam’s arms made Zayn want to sing opera. Like, they made him feel like he could understand opera.  
“Are you almost ready?” Liam tipped his head to the side.  
Zayn’s mouth seemed to be made of sandpaper, but he managed to nod. Then he held up one finger.  
“Okaayyy. I’ll just be over there.” Liam tapped the car again before setting off.  
Zayn looked at himself in the rearview mirror. “Holy. Fucking. Shit.”  
Liam.  


LIAM

Okay, so maybe talking Patricia into having him take out the dudes from IT hadn’t been the best idea.  
Last weekend, he’d walked up this trail with Betty! From Legal! She kept ‘accidentally’ falling and grabbing his arm, and her eyes followed him so much, it had kind of felt like being X-Rayed.  
And then she’d tried to kiss him, and he’d stepped back too far, and—yeah, there was still a little bruise on his tailbone.  
And now, this guy, Zayn or whatever. Liam could tell by his skinniness, the tattoos that corded his arms, the way his hair was always so perfect, that he wasn’t an outdoor guy. What’s more, Zayn seemed like the kind of guy who hated outside. Like, legitimately preferred being in cold, sterile, stainless steel environments.  
Liam could already feel sweat beading on his forehead. The sun was steadily climbing, and the heat wave had come in yesterday. Zayn probably hadn’t even brought water. He’d probably get heat exhaustion two hours in.  
And Liam—Liam just really needed to be on top of a mountain right now.

Sophia had left last night. Just bundled her stuff into a bag, thrown it in her car, and disappeared.  
Sure, they’d been growing apart for a while. They hadn’t even been sleeping together for months, and their work schedules always kept them conveniently out of one another’s way.  
But still—Sophia had been Liam’s first real girlfriend. He’d met her the first day of freshman year—  
What did you do after seven years turned into nothing?  
He’d wandered around the apartment last night, looking at the empty spaces, remembering how they’d move in right after graduation, so happy to be alone together, so excited to start this new life.  
And now—  
Liam could feel this yawning emptiness inside him.  
He was alone. He didn’t want to be with Sophia, but—  
There was so much space he wasn’t used to filling on his own.  
Liam definitely needed some perspective.  
He needed to look out over the city and remember that he was going to be okay.  
And this guy still wouldn’t get out of his car.  
Finally, Zayn extricated himself from his car. He banged his head on the top of the frame, and he nearly fell back in when he reached for his backpack.  
Liam was relieved to see that he was at least wearing workout clothes. Betty had worn a miniskirt and heels. He’d had to carry her the last mile.

Zayn twisted his hands as he walked up, and his tattoos caught Liam's eye. They curled across his chest and over his shoulder, blending into sleeves down his arms. Liam had never really been into tattoos, but Zayn’s were—different. It was like instead of covering his skin, or adding to him, they were part of him. Like they revealed what had always been there.  
“Hi. I’m Zayn.” Zayn waved awkwardly.  
“You ready for this?” Liam smiled at him, he couldn’t help it. There was something about the way Zayn slumped his shoulders, the way he’d frozen when he’d seen Liam, the way he was looking at the trail now, like a man on his walk to the gallows, that was kind of cute.  
Cute?  
Zayn’s dark skin turned even darker. Liam’s stomach gave a tiny jolt. “I guess so.”  
“Let me know if you need a break, okay?”  
Zayn took a deep breath. “I’ll be fine.”  
“Any medical conditions I should know about? Allergies?”  
“Um, Asthma.” Zayn looked down. “And uh—I'm allergic to the sun?”  
Liam laughed. “Nice try.”  
Zayn smiled weakly.  
And just like that, they were off. And as they walked, in spite of the pit in Liam’s stomach, the way his mind kept superimposing his surroundings with his apartment, glaringly lonely and empty…  
He felt a little less alone than he had that morning.


	2. The Waterfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam takes Zayn on a detour, and things get...pretty steamy. ;)
> 
> I'm so sorry this is late. about 1000 life things happened to me ALL AT ONCE last week, and it delayed me! Thank you for the comments, kudos, etc.! Keep them coming, and remember that in life, sometimes you just need to jump off of stuff.

ZAYN  
  
This was a thousand times worse than Zayn had anticipated.  
  
Not only was he walking up a trail that seemed to have a constant, steady incline, in weather that had him sweating rivulets down his skin, to the point that he’d actually had to wipe his eyes…  
  
But he was doing it with Liam Payne.  
As in, Liam from the front desk.  
Hot Liam. Sweet, kind Liam.  
Ridiculous, superhuman, indefatigable Liam.  
  
Zayn was pretty sure that he was dying. Like, it was either going to be a heart attack from close proximity to an attractive man, or the heat stroke, but he was done for.  
  
Liam didn’t even have to do anything. He’d stop and stretch for a second, and his shirt would lift, leaving a tiny strip of skin visible just above his waist…  
Or, he’d check his phone, and the tiniest crinkle would appear between his eyebrows.  
Zayn felt like he was watching a painting in motion. Liam seemed to glide over the rocks and tree roots, checking behind him every so often to make sure Zayn was following, offering that same encouraging smile every time.  
He didn’t trip or lose his footing. He barely broke a sweat.  
  
The conversation had stopped abruptly after the first big hill. Liam had been talking about his last trip to Yellowstone, and he’d turned around to see Zayn, practically crawling the last steps up the hill.  
Zayn wheezed, leaning over his knees and taking big, deep breaths.  
“You good?” Liam asked, a hint of a laugh in his voice.  
Zayn nodded, clutching his chest. “Not used to—this altitude.”  
Liam raised an eyebrow. “We’re at sea level.”  
Zayn nodded. “Okay. Cool.”  
“You need your inhaler.”  
“No.” Zayn said stubbornly.  
Liam's eyebrow remained raised, but he kept silent.  
  
It wasn’t fair. Zayn probably looked like he was one hill away from needing an ambulance, but Liam was barely windblown. He looked like he’d just walked out of an Under Armor ad, all artful glisten and carefully ruffled hair.  
They’d walked in silence after that.  
  
Zayn wished he knew what Liam was thinking. But it was probably better that he didn’t know. Liam was probably thinking something along the lines of "I can’t believe I have to spend my Saturday with this loser." Or he was thinking about his girlfriend. Gross.  
  
“How much longer?” Zayn panted.  
Liam’s phone buzzed, and he stepped aside to answer it.  
Zayn looked around awkwardly, trying to give him some privacy. There was a bench secluded among the trees, shaded from the hot sun.  
Before Liam could tell him to keep moving, Zayn wandered over to the bench and sank onto it.  
He looked over at Liam. His back was turned to Zayn, his shoulders tensed beneath his shirt.  
Zayn looked away. He shouldn’t be staring at Liam. Or eavesdropping. He pulled out his water bottle and drank deeply. Now that he was sitting, Zayn’s entire body ached. He didn’t know how he’d get up again.  
  
“I don’t know where it is!”  
Liam’s voice came up short, curt, and full of hostile energy. Zayn snapped his head up.  
Liam had turned so that his profile was visible. He ran a hand through his hair, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “Not until later. That’s fine.”  
Zayn pulled out his phone, feeling awkward. There were two messages from Pierre. “Ur with HOT LIAM. HOLY SHIT.”  
Zayn rolled his eyes and put his phone away. It wasn’t like anything was going to happen. Liam was straight, and he had a girlfriend, and he was probably into those Instagram model girls. The kind that worked out six times a week and promoted Flat Tummy Teas. The kind that would look like they belonged next to him.  
If people saw Zayn next to Liam, they’d probably wonder what charity Liam was working for.  
  
“Hey.”  
Liam was looming over him, his shoulders nearly blocking out the Sun. Zayn squinted up at him. “Oh hi. I was just—uh.”  
“You wanna go somewhere?”  
Zayn’s mouth opened and closed. “Uh—uh yes? That would be—like—”  
Liam’s cheeks reddened. Oh God. He was blushing. “I just mean—” he laughed nervously. “There’s this place off the trail. But I’m not technically supposed to bring people…”  
“Hmm.” Liam’s nervousness was somehow making Zayn bolder. “Are you saying we’d be breaking rules?”  
Liam’s eyes twinkled. “Just a few.”  
“Well—I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.”  
“It’s a little late for that.” Liam shrugged and walked away.  
Zayn’s mouth dropped open.  
“Zayn?” Liam turned around, and Zayn snapped his mouth closed. “You coming?”  
Zayn couldn’t even speak. He just nodded.  
"Okay, be cool. Be cool. Do not fuck this up."

***  


This could not be happening.  
This was a daydream, or some really, really cruel nightmare.  
Any minute, Zayn would wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, with a dark stain forming on the front of his boxers.  
When he’d first heard the waterfall, Zayn had been sure that they wouldn’t go toward it. This was too much like a cave scene. Like, straight out of the trashy romance novels he kept stashed under his bed.  
But the water grew louder, and Liam had this knowing smile on his face, like he couldn’t wait for what was coming.  
  
“Liam?” Zayn said. “I need to tell you something.”  
“Let me guess—you’re afraid of heights.” Liam shot a glance at him, grinning.  
“You know, I’m concerned about how you seem to think you know so much about me.”  
Liam shrugged. “I’ve seen you around.”  
“Really?” Zayn did his best to shrug nonchalantly. “I’ve never seen you.”  
“Oh, come on.” Liam held back a tree branch, and Zayn nearly stopped breathing at how close he was. His arms were corded with muscle, the veins large and prominent. And he had these massive, rough hands…  
“I know you’ve been watching me,” Liam said, his breath barely above a whisper, his eyes meeting Zayn’s at full-force.  
Zayn took a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, just as softly.  
Liam smirked, and he took a step back, letting Zayn step through the narrow space first, then lengthening his stride so that he took the lead again.  
Zayn focused on taking slow, deep breaths.  
  
The distant rushing of the water swelled into a roar, and Liam’s eyes were fixed ahead of them, his pace steadily increasing, until Zayn was nearly trotting to keep up with him.  
“Liam,” Zayn managed to say in between breaths. “I—I can’t—"  
“Trust me.” Liam broke into a run as the trees thinned out into a clearing.  
Zayn raced behind him, nearly running right into him as Liam came to a sudden stop.  
  
Staring over the edge of a cliff.  
  
The river raced directly in front of them, deep and blue and inviting. In the heat, it shimmered and sparkled.  
And it moved fast, culminating in the crashing, tumbling waterfall to Zayn’s right.  
A rock ledge jutted out above the waterfall. The pool below looked deep and blue and promising, and so clear that Zayn could almost see the bottom in a few areas.  
“Oh God.” Zayn breathed.  
“I know, right?”  
Zayn shook his head. It wasn’t just that Liam had taken him to a pool in the middle of a waterfall. Especially since he was afraid of heights and deep water, in that order.  
It was the overall look of the place.  
"This is the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me," Zayn thought.  
He shook his head. He had to be misinterpreting. Liam was straight. He had a girlfriend. He was just one of those people that always made you feel like you were special. He was just nice.  
“I will not get my hopes up.” Zayn thought. “I will not misinterpret this—”  
There was a rustling beside him, and Zayn turned to see Liam pulling his shirt over his head.  
“Shit.” Zayn muttered.  
Still maintaining eye contact with Zayn, Liam pulled down his shorts. “You ready?” Liam asked.  
So he was a briefs guy. Zayn really, really wished he didn’t know that.  
Zayn gulped. “You’re not going to—”  
“See you down there.”  
“Wait—Liam—I can’t—”  
But with a wild yell, Liam launched himself off the edge of the waterfall. 

LIAM  


So maybe Liam was feeling a little reckless today.  
A little more nonchalant and daring and devil-may-care than he had in a long time.  
He’d moved in with Sophia right after college graduation. And now he had no one to go home to. An empty house that echoed with the memories of a life that never really had been right, if he thought about it. For all the wishing and the hoping and the comfort of being with someone who had known him since freshman year of college, it had never been what he really wanted.  
He wanted passion. Daring. Adventure.  
He wanted to jump off a few more waterfalls.  
  
Liam feet broke the surface of the water, sending him plunging down into the blue. The bubbles swirled around him and up his nose, and for a brief moment, the world was silent apart from the dull thunder of the waterfall. Liam hung suspended.  
  
He wondered if Zayn would jump.  
Liam wasn’t sure what was going on between them. It wasn’t that Zayn was a man—Liam had known that he was bisexual when he was 12, when he’d watched The Fast and the Furious for the first time and realized that he didn’t just like Paul Walker’s personality.  
But he’d never been so bold before. So reckless and confident. He'd been with Sophia, and he'd never so much as looked at a man or a woman when he was with her. Well...most of the time.   
Liam had always noticed Zayn. Even when he didn't want to. Even when Zayn was staring at him, open-mouthed, or tripping over his own feet, or talking about D&D with that other IT guy...  
Liam noticed every time Zayn walked into a room. He felt it, like it made the air thicker. It made it hard to breathe.   
He'd been able to ignore it when he was with Sophia, to hold himself back and stay nice and professional and careful, but now...  
Liam didn't want to be careful.   
Zayn was adorable. Even when he was comically out of shape and doing his best not to stare, he was fascinating. There were so many layers to his beauty, so much depth hidden beneath his nerd exterior.  
Liam wanted to unwrap all of him.  
When Liam broke the surface, he heard a whoop. “I thought you were dead!” Zayn shouted.  
“Come on!”  
Zayn shook his head.  
“Afraid of heights?”  
Zayn nodded.  
Liam treaded water, grinning.  
“Afraid of swimming?”  
Zayn nodded again.  
Liam laughed.  
“I can’t go down there!”  
“Yes you can!”  
Zayn shook his head. “I’ll just wait for you.” His dark eyes flashed behind his glasses, and Liam wanted so badly to see them up close. To trace the path of Zayn’s mood in his gaze.  
Zayn started to step back.  
Liam opened his mouth to say something else, only for Zayn to say, “Just a second!” His voice shook.  
Liam’s stomach flipped.  
In a few moments, a blur shot over the edge of the waterfall, and Zayn smashed into the water, letting off a high-pitched scream.  
Liam swam over to him and dove to the bottom, reaching underneath Zayn’s arms to help guide him to the surface.  
They broke the surface together, sputtering and gasping.  
“That was—” Zayn started.  
“You jumped—” Liam said, trying to sound confident, even though his whole body had gone on full alert. He was trying not to look too hard at Zayn, who was only wearing a pair of boxers. Trying not to study the tattoos that curled across his collarbones and stomach. Trying not to feel the way his bones jutted out from his skin, as delicate and fragile as a bird’s.  
  
Zayn’s teeth were chattering, whether with the cold or adrenaline, Liam wasn’t sure. “I—I can’t—”  
“It’s okay.” Liam wrapped his hand around Zayn’s middle. “Just help me kick.”  
He towed Zayn to an area where they could touch, then let go.  
Zayn stood, shaky.  
“Why didn’t you tell me that you can’t swim?” Liam asked.  
“I—it’s not something I tell people.” Zayn looked down at the water, then stepped back so that it was only waist deep. The light hit him where he stood, turning his skin golden. His tattoos seemed a part of him again, turning him even more ethereal.  
Liam’s mouth went dry.  
  
“Zayn, I would never have asked you—your safety is more important than this stupid detour.” Liam fixed his gaze on Zayn’s eyes, trying not to be distracted, to resume his air of professionalism.  
He realized that Zayn had long, impossibly thick eyelashes. This did not help.  
“It’s okay.” Zayn half-smiled. “Sometimes--you need to do something because it scares you. Sometimes that means that it’s the best thing for you.” His eyes fixed on Liam’s, and Liam became suddenly aware that they were alone beneath a cascading waterfall, and nearly naked, and very wet.  
Liam shivered. “I just—I just broke up with my girlfriend.”  
“Oh. I’m so sorry!” Zayn’s eyes had gone wide, his mouth still soft and pink.  
Liam wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for the breakup or what was crackling between them. He decided it was the former. “Yeah. So I kind of needed—a detour. Things have been crazy since—” Liam looked at the water, at the little fish swimming around his feet. “It’s just been hard.”  
“Why?” Zayn said finally.  
Liam looked up. “What?”  
“Why did you break up?”  
Liam shook his head. “It’s complicated.”  
Zayn took a step forward, and Liam’s breath caught. “I think I can keep up.”  
“Because—” Liam started. Zayn was so close now, and he knew he needed to step back. “Because we weren’t right for each other.”  
Zayn’s hand grasped Liam’s right around the wrist. His fingers were long and callused at the tips, and Liam could feel Zayn’s pulse beating against his own.  
“Yeah?” Zayn said. “How?”  
“I think I was just—comfortable—with her.” Liam felt like there was a weight on his chest, making it impossible to speak. “We really just didn’t want to be alone.”  
“And now you are.” Zayn’s beard was perfectly trimmed. A hint of a sunburn was already spreading across his nose. His chest rose and fell with each breath, and his lips were pouted, and Liam's entire body coursed with want.  
Liam bit his lip. “I—I didn’t come here for this.”  
Zayn let go of Liam’s hand, taking a step back in the water. He wobbled for a second, then stood.  
With the reclaimed space between them, it seemed like Liam’s chest opened up again.  
And he felt—empty.  
“I’m so sorry.” Zayn said, suddenly the nervous IT guy again. “I kind of got a vibe—but we can just—and you’re obviously—that’s totally fine—“ Zayn turned away.  
And Liam moved, faster than thought. One second, Zayn was turning away from him, the sunlight highlighting the waterdrops standing out on his skin.  
And the next, Liam had grabbed Zayn’s hand and pulled him in, until they had no space between them, until Liam could feel Zayn’s heart racing against his, count every single one of those gorgeous eyelashes.  
“Don’t you dare go anywhere.” Liam growled. 

ZAYN

Zayn’s mind may have just exploded.  
Like, he was pretty sure that if a neuroscientist looked into his brain right now, it would all be shrapnel.  
Colors and fragments and explosions.  
Zayn had kissed a lot of guys. He’d kissed on dates, on dares, he’d kissed the kind of kisses that always led to something more.  
If anyone had asked him before his, he’d say that for the most part, he liked kissing. It was nice, and intimate, and it made his blood sing.  
  
But Zayn had never been kissed like this.   
Being kissed by Liam made him feel—unmoored.   
Out of control.  
Being kissed by Liam was like standing in the middle of a hurricane.  
Zayn held on for dear life.  
Liam’s lips were doing all the work at first. Opening Zayn’s mouth, nibbling at his bottom lip.  
Zayn kept moving his lips a second behind Liam’s, his hands clutching Liam’s shoulders, trying to catch up.  
Liam pulled away for a second, probably to ask a question, probably for a break, but Zayn didn’t want to stop. He leaned forward, planting a sloppy kiss on Liam’s chin.  
And Liam laughed, a giggle that crinkled his eyes at the corners and turned his whole face to joy.  
“Don’t go anywhere.” Zayn whispered, grabbing Liam by the waistband of his briefs and hauling him closer, until they were pressed against each other.  
“Zayn,” Liam gasped, as Zayn’s lips moved to his neck, sucking and biting and licking. There was a mole just below his jawline, and Zayn bit it. “Fuck, Zayn.”  
Zayn’s mind was a swirl of color, moving faster and faster. Liam’s hands went around his ass, and now Liam was holding Zayn, while his legs straddled Liam’s waist. Zayn started to move against Liam, against the hardness that he could feel against his own, and Liam let out a strangled noise.  
“You okay?” Zayn stopped. “Did I hurt you—”  
“No—” One of Liam’s hands wrapped around his back, and Liam started to lift Zayn up and down atop him, so that they grinded against each other. “Fuck, Zayn. That feels so good.”  
“Liam—” Zayn breathed.  
Their mouths crashed together again, and Zayn grinded against Liam as hard as he could.  
“Shit—” Liam said, and he slipped.  
In a tangle of limbs, Zayn tumbled over Liam's head into the water.  
Zayn scrabbled at the bottom, his toes scraping against the rocks and silt at the bottom of the river.  
  
When he finally found his way to the surface, it was to see Liam a few feet away, standing directly under the waterfall, shaking his head in the spray.  
As Zayn took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, trying to get some handle on the way his mind was a swirl of fear and adrenaline and lust, Liam stepped out of the stream of water.  
“Whoa.” Zayn couldn’t hear Liam over the waterfall, but he could see his lips move. Could see where they were swollen from the kissing, the red flush that had spread from his cheeks to his chest and abdomen.  
“Let’s do that again” Zayn said.  
Liam laughed. “Come here.”


	3. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam experiences doubts. Louis tells him to stop being a dumbass. Harry loves kale. Zayn can actually feel his heart breaking.

LIAM  
  
Liam lay on his back on the shore, staring up at the sky. The blue was interspersed with flimsy, paper-thin white clouds. A fresh breeze had picked up, but that only made the heat of the sun pleasant instead of unbearable. Liam’s heart beat slowly, and his eyelids were heavy.  
  
He rolled over as the man next to him let out a sigh.  
Zayn was sprawled beside him, fast asleep on his stomach, his face buried in the crook of his arm  
His back rose and fell, making his tattoos ripple  
Liam’s heart was in his throat.  
The feeling in his chest when he looked at Zayn—the swelling, near-bursting thing that was happiness and sadness and lust and want and—  
It was too much.  
  
“This is big.” Liam thought.  
He knew this was something that he was going to remember for the rest of his life.   
He tried to take a picture in his mind—Zayn sprawled on the shore, exhausted from the hour they’d just spent in the water. His lips soft and full and a little swollen, hickeys already emerging on his neck and waist and stomach.  
Liam took a deep, shuddering breath and rolled over, looking up at the sky again. It was beginning to pink, the sun moving toward the edge of the horizon.  
  
Wait—the sun was setting?  
  
Liam scrabbled for his phone, before remembering that he was naked, that he and Zayn had jumped the cliff in their underwear, then lost that underwear rather quickly…  
“Shit--.” Liam said. “Shit, shit shit.”  
  
He sat up and climbed to his feet, shading his eyes to see if he could spot his briefs.  
Liam waded back into the pool, feeling around with his feet, hoping that they'd somehow miraculously made it onto dry ground.   
  
It was all a blur of hands and skin and lips and teeth…  
Liam was lucky that he remembered his own name, after the way Zayn had made him feel.  
Finally, Liam spotted a crumpled blue pile on the opposite edge of the pool from where he and Zayn were. Exhaling, he wandered over to it.  
Liam was just pulling on his briefs, wincing at the dampness against his skin, when he heard Zayn begin to stir.  
  
“Li--?” Zayn’s voice was hoarse and exhausted, and Liam closed his eyes to savor it. “S’okay?”  
“We have to go.” Liam said, keeping his eyes on his feet.  
Judging by the Sun, it was close to seven, and he was supposed to be meeting Sophia—  
Shit.  
  
He remembered when she'd called him earlier, the conversation that had led to this. The reckless confidence and the fearlessness, magnified to unprecedented levels.  
The kind that had him and Zayn tangled up in each other, when he’d just broken up with his girlfriend, when workplace relationships were forbidden, when Liam had been about to meet Sophia to “get some closure,” which usually meant sex…  
  
Zayn was rooting around behind him, searching for his boxers. “I need to get back.” Liam said, as he heard the rustle that meant Zayn was pulling them on. “I have a thing that I have to get to—”  
“Okay—” Liam imagined Zayn hastily pushing his glasses back onto his face. He’d whipped them off pretty quickly, after they’d stumbled onto dry land, and Liam had climbed on top of Zayn, his whole body aching—  
Liam closed his eyes and shook his head. He couldn’t think about that now. This was all a huge mistake, no matter how amazing it was. Sophia was waiting for him, and he was in no place to be with anyone right now—  
  
“How are we getting back?”  
Liam finally turned around. “There’s a trail that goes up the side.” He pointed to a path that led out from the side of the pool.  
“Are you telling me that I didn’t have to jump in?” Zayn’s mouth curved up on the side, and the picture, with Liam’s hickeys still lining his neck, made Liam want to cry.  
Liam bit his lip and looked at the ground again. “The path is a little steep. Stay behind me.”  
“No problem.”  
  
Liam took a wide berth around Zayn, making for the trail behind him.  
Zayn didn’t seem to notice. Liam could hear him picking his way among the rocks, stepping carefully. Zayn’s feet probably weren’t used to being outside like Liam’s.  
“Fuck!” Zayn let out a yelp of pain.  
“Sorry.” Liam said. “I guess I didn’t think this through.”  
“Don’t be sorry.” Zayn’s voice still had that little teasing note in it, and Liam could feel him watching him, his gaze lingering on his body like a caress.  
Liam turned around.  
Zayn was directly behind him, his mouth half-open. As Liam turned, Zayn held out his hand, reaching for Liam’s to pull him in.  
“This was a mistake.” Liam said. 

  


ZAYN  
  
  
There was a roaring in Zayn’s ears. He could feel the blood rushing through his body, each pulse sending a throb to his head.  
The world moved in slow motion; the air solid and syrupy, and Zayn’s chest heaved.  
The words still floated in the air between them, like a word balloon on a comic book character. Zayn felt like he could see the sky begin darken, feel the oncoming night.  
Zayn shivered.  
  
“A mistake?” he choked out. “What do you mean?”  
Liam shook his head and started back up the trail.  
Zayn tried to say something else, but Liam was moving fast. Faster than he had before, when they’d both been fully clothed. Zayn winced as he stepped over stray rocks and twigs, slowing his pace to check for more hazards.  
Liam didn’t seem to notice. He walked as briskly as if he were in the office, his feet taking no trouble to walk over the same pebbles that had Zayn wincing with every step.  
  
“Liam—” Zayn began, trying to get him to slow down. His blood pounded even louder in his ears, and the rushing feeling made the room spin.  
“Liam—“ Zayn gasped. “Please.”  
Liam turned around, his face a mask of pain.  
And Zayn realized that the rushing, the feeling of dizziness, wasn’t just because of his pounding heart, or the pain, or the fact that he couldn’t catch his breath.  
“I can’t be with—anyone.” Liam said. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m in no position to—I’m sorry.”  
Zayn was falling.  
  
“Why?”  
Liam’s lip trembled, and he turned around again.  
“No, you can’t do this.” Zayn cursed as he stepped on another pebble. “You can’t do this to me. You can’t just walk away.”  
Liam’s shoulders tensed, and he paused.  
“This wasn’t just a hookup.” Zayn said. His hands shook, but he clenched them into fists. “There’s something here. I felt it. I know you did, too.”  
Liam took a long, slow, deep breath. “I—”  
“LIAM?”  
Zayn nearly jumped out of his skin. He whirled toward the sound of the voice, shading his eyes.  
  
Two figures were silhouetted against the top of the bluff. One seemed significantly taller than the other, but Zayn could tell even in the difficult lighting that they were meant for each other. It was something about the way they stood, loosely holding hands. They were complements, two halves of the same whole.  
It was the same type of feeling Zayn got when he saw his parents together. The embodiment of “you complete me.”  
  
Liam shaded his eyes with one hand. “Louis? What the hell are you doing here?”  
“Going for a dip,” the shorter one answered. “But clearly this pool is taken.” His voice lowered suggestively.  
The tips of Liam’s ears turned red. “We were just cooling off.”  
“Of course you were.” Louis said. “Wanna put on some clothes and meet us up top?”  
“We really have to get back—” Liam began, just as Zayn said. “Sure.”  
Louis broke into a grin that could only mean mischief. “Your guest insists, I’m afraid. I’m Louis!” He waved. “And this tall farmer giant next to me is Harry.”  
  
“I’m not a giant.” Harry rolled his eyes. “Nice to meet you--?”  
“Zayn.” Zayn said. “I work with Liam.”  
Harry smirked, and Zayn backtracked hastily. “I mean—we work in the same building. It’s a nature thing for HR—um—”  
Louis slung his arm around Harry. “We’ll meet you two at the top. Harry has emergency smores supplies in his bag.”  
“Sounds good.” Zayn called out, as Harry and Louis turned to walk away.  
  
When they were out of earshot, Liam turned to Zayn. “We really should be getting back.” Liam said. “I have to—”  
“I won’t be your experiment.” Zayn said. “The boy you hooked up with one time because you’d just broken up with your girlfriend and you wondered what it’d be like.”  
“Zayn,” Liam blanched. “I don’t feel that way about—about what we did.”  
“Then why are you running?’  
Liam ran a hand through his hair. “It’s complicated.”  
“It’s really not.” Zayn said stiffly.  
  
For a moment, he was back underneath the bleachers in high school, watching Chad Rivers, who’d given him his first kiss the day before, get back together with his girlfriend. You’re always a second choice. He’d thought to himself. Why would anyone choose you, especially if it’s so much easier to be with someone else?  
  
“It’s really not hard to decide what you want and go for it. To decide to treat someone like an actual human being.”  
Liam’s face softened. “Zayn—”  
“I’ll see you up there.” Zayn ran past Liam up the hill, his eyes fixed on the trail.  
  
Zayn knew that Liam could have caught up with him in seconds, but Liam stayed a respectful distance behind.  
“This was a mistake.” Liam had said, as if none of it mattered. As if they’d both been drunk at some party and stumbled into bed. Nothing but convenience and opportunity.  
But Zayn had felt Liam’s hands ghost along his skin, his lips move ever-so-delicately from his jawline to his neck, to his collarbone and back again. Every kiss from Liam made Zayn feel precious, wanted, longed for.  
That wasn’t the kind of thing you just walked away from.

  


LIAM  
  
Liam’s phone was on 4%. Typical.  
  
There were three missed calls from Sophia, and a dozen texts. He read the first one. “Need u to come home. We need 2 talk.”  
Liam locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. He wasn’t going to be home at a reasonable time anyway, not with what Louis was unpacking from his backpack.  
  
Between the smores and the White Claw, it was going to be a while before they made it back to the parking lot. If they came back tonight at all.  
Harry offered Zayn a White Claw, but Zayn waved it away. “Sorry—I don’t drink.”  
“No problem.” Harry rummaged in his own backpack and pulled out something green. “Try this. It’s infused with kale, banana, and acai berry.”  
Zayn gamely took a sip, then gagged. “That’s horrible.”  
“Good for your digestion.” Harry patted his stomach.  
“Do you have any water?” Zayn asked, now wiping tears from his eyes.  
Harry laughed, and Zayn’s face broke into a smile in response. Harry’s laugh was like that. Liam was pretty sure that it could stop a baby crying in seconds.  
  
Liam looked away, his heart twisting. Maybe Zayn and Harry would hit it off. Maybe then Liam wouldn’t have to explain what had happened, and why it shouldn’t have happened. Maybe Zayn would be perfectly happy, and Liam could go back to his old apartment and his own life and ignore that burning ache inside of him.  
  
Something nudged his elbow, and Liam turned. Louis bumped him again with the White Claw. “Let’s go find some firewood.”  
Liam nodded and followed Louis out of the clearing.  
They wandered through the woods for a few minutes, scanning the ground for stray branches or twigs. The sun cast dappled shadows on the ground, and the air was rich and thick, the hint of crispness the only indication that the Sun was setting.   
  
Louis couldn't handle the silence for long. It was a wonder how Harry had dragged him camping in the first place.  
“So you’re here because of work?”  
Liam shrugged. “HR is making IT go on more nature hikes.”  
“Of course. Bringing us nerds out of our comfort zone. God forbid we love things like air conditioning and bug spray and the internet.”  
“It’s a bad idea.” Liam said. “They’re way out of shape.”  
“If Zayn’s tired,” Louis bumped Liam’s shoulder with his own. “I bet it’s not from the hike.”  
Liam ran a hand through his hair.  
Louis laughed. “So how dirty is that pool now, anyway?”  
“I—it was a mistake.”  
“Why?”  
“Sophia.”  
“I thought you were broken up. Or was that eighteen paragraph text at 4am a butt dial?”  
“We are. We were, but—she’s supposed to be coming over tonight, and we just have—a lot to get through.”  
“Absolutely not. You are not having breakup sex with Sophia.”  
“I wasn’t going to have sex with her!”  
“Right.” Louis rolled his eyes. “Because you’re so good at letting things go.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Liam stepped over a stray tree root. “I let things go.”  
“Really?” Louis moved a piece of foliage aside. “You dated Sophia for five years. You only loved her for three.”  
“I—I loved her. I still love her. We met—”  
“Freshman year of college.” Louis finished. “And she was familiar, and available, and she took care of you.”  
“I loved her.”Liam said stubbornly.   
“Like a security blanket.” Louis said. “And now that she’s gone, you wanna run away. Because you just might be feeling something that’s real for once.”  
  
Liam’s chest was starting to hurt again, and his eyes burned. He stopped. “I’m going back to the campsite. Harry probably already found firewood anyway.” He turned around.  
  
“Wait!” Louis rushed around Liam and stopped directly in front of him, blocking his path. “I’m just looking out for you, Li.” He said softly. “You know that, right?”  
Liam sighed. “I can’t do this. I just broke up with Sophia, and I’m not out to anyone except you and my family and Sophia, and he probably doesn’t want me—”  
  
“Stop it.” Louis took Liam’s hand. “You like him. He likes you. You deserve someone who makes you happy, and it’s not like you have to marry him. So stop making it so fucking hard.”


	4. The Tent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE TENT
> 
> I started this thinking there were only gonna be four chapters and I was gonna be done in a week. Then about 9000 things happened at once. So now it's been a month, and I'll have at least 5 chapters. Maybe more. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna channel every bit of angst I have about a certain person into this fic. Or maybe it's just that T Swift dropped a new album and now my emotions are dialed to a million. Whatever. 
> 
> Anyway, love you guys, love one direction. Stay safe, believe in love, etc.

ZAYN  
  
“Looks like we’re stuck here for the night.” Harry put his hands on his hips and frowned up at the sky, his brow crinkling. “It’ll be too dark to go home safely.”  
“What?” Zayn’s heart beat rapidly.  
  
Harry looked over at Zayn and raised an eyebrow. “No worries. Louis and I always bring an extra tent, just in case he gets on my nerves too much.”  
  
“I can’t sleep outside.” Zayn felt like he was having a panic attack. This was supposed to be a day-long hike. He couldn’t sleep outside. On the ground. Without air conditioning and the Internet.  
  
Oh God. Zayn pulled out his phone. 3%. He was about to be stranded in the wilderness without even his phone to keep him company. Just him, Harry and Louis, and Liam—  
  
  
“I can’t stay here,” Zayn said, as Liam’s face, lost in the throes of ecstasy, swam before his eyes. “I need to get home. Can I use your phone?”  
“Won’t do any good.” Harry laid down on one of the blankets that had been spread out by the firepit and put his hands behind his head. “No one comes up here at night except for emergencies.”  
“This is an emergency! I need to get out of here.”  
Harry yawned.  
“I can’t sleep outside. What if—are there—bathrooms?”  
Harry rolled his eyes. “Port-a-Potty’s about a hundred yards that way.” He pointed with one hand. “God, you know mankind used to live in nature.”  
“Well, that was before we invented air conditioning and indoor plumbing.”  
  
Harry rolled over and pulled his backpack toward him. “how Liam ended up with you, I have no idea.”  
“Liam and I aren’t—” Zayn began, then cut himself off. “—it’s strictly professional.”  
“Louis and I met at work, too.” Harry continued as if Zayn hadn’t spoken. “I was a manager at a bakery, and Louis was just this little shit that washed dishes in the back and kept flicking water at me when he thought I wasn’t looking.”  
“He just took me out here because HR requested it. That’s all.”  
Harry nodded. “Right. So what part of professionalism involves not wearing pants?”  
Zayn’s cheeks flushed. “That was—a mistake.”  
Echoing the words that Liam had said made them hurt more, like he was experiencing that moment all over again. The rushing in his ears, the realization that it was all in free-fall…  
  
Harry looked at him for a long moment. Finally, he said. “Well, that should be a fun tent.”  
Zayn blinked. “What?”  
“You and Liam can have our spare.”  
“Can’t I bunk with you?” Zayn was a little irritated by the way Harry was grilling him, but he couldn’t stay with Liam.  
  
He imagined the way Liam would look asleep, his eyelashes dark against his cheek, the curve of his back as it rose and fell, his face squashed against a pillow…  
  
“Nope.” Harry popped the ‘p.’  
“Fine.” Zayn said, just as Liam and Louis returned, empty handed. “I’ll sleep outside.”  
Just as he uttered the last syllable, a drop of water fell on his head.  
“Oh.” Said Louis. “That’s unfortunate.”

Zayn was lying on his back in the tent, listening to the rain and wishing he had his phone, when Liam stumbled in, shaking water from his hair.  
Zayn turned his face to the wall.  
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Liam said.  
Zayn was silent.  
“I shouldn’t have said that to you. You deserve so much more than that.”  
Zayn bit his lip. “Thank you.”   
He could hear the rustle of the sleeping bag as Liam crawled onto the bed.  
  
Zayn let the silence stretch out, like a rubber band across his chest. He wanted to wait Liam out, to see if he felt the same pressure, the same desperation to burst whatever dam had been built between them.  
  
But Zayn couldn’t last long. “It really hurt, to hear you say that. Maybe this kind of thing isn’t a big deal to you, but it is to me.”  
“Who says it’s not a big deal to me?”  
“You wouldn’t even look at me, Liam.” Zayn’s voice broke, and he hated himself for it. “That was the most romantic, sexy thing that’s ever happened to me, and you won’t even look at me.”  
“I think you’re the one who’s not looking at me now.”  
Zayn kept his gaze fixed on the tent.  
  
Liam broke the silence this time. “You—I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’ve always been so in control, always known what was going to happen next. And then I jumped off that cliff with you, and I kissed you, and—”  
“What? Experiment successful. I’m glad you know you’re not straight now, Liam, but this isn’t a coming of age teen movie. I have a life, too. I’m not your—plot device.”  
“Plot device?” Liam’s voice cracked. “I don’t know anyone else who would call it that.”  
  
Zayn could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, and before he knew what he was doing, he’d turned over to face Liam. “You know what your problem is—”  
  
“You scare the Hell out of me,” Liam interrupted, his eyes locked on Zayn’s. Soulful, a deep, muddy brown, they had a magnetism all their own. And suddenly Zayn was in the water again, hopelessly caught up in Liam’s arms. He couldn’t breathe.  
Liam took the opportunity. “I can’t hold on to anything.” He said. “I can’t focus, and I can’t even care about Sophia. I just have this feeling that you’re—someone who’s going to change everything for me. That this was waiting to happen all along. And I’m scared,” Liam’s voice broke. “I’m scared what’ll happen if we decide we mean something.”  
  
Zayn looked into Liam’s eyes, his heart roaring in his ears. 

LIAM  
  
  
“I’m scared what’ll happen if we decide we mean something.” Liam looked at Zayn steadily, willing himself not to blink. But he couldn’t help picking at the calluses on his palms. Part of the skin on one was already peeling away. He tugged at it, trying to keep his gaze on Zayn, even though it felt increasingly like looking at a camera flash. The pain was blinding.  
  
Zayn's glasses were askew from when he’d rolled over, but he didn’t bother to adjust them. The sight made Liam’s stomach rise up into his throat.  
He could imagine Zayn asleep like this. A book open on his chest, exhaustion and contentment crowding his features. Liam wanted to fix his glasses, or just take them off and lay them by the makeshift bed. Tuck Zayn in under the blankets and fall asleep to the rhythm of his breathing.  
  
But Zayn was wide awake. and the hurt that crossed his features as he sat up, his arms crossed, looking at Liam with so much accusation in his eyes, nearly broke Liam’s heart. He could feel the cracks fissuring across it.  
  
Zayn was silent, but Liam’s words still hung in the air between them. They’d been phrased like a statement, but they were really a question. A gauntlet thrown down on the battlefield.  
“Do you feel it?”  
  
“What do you want from me?” Zayn asked finally.  
“I want another chance.”  
“We’re not dating, Liam! We’re not in a relationship. You’re acting like we’re in a lover’s quarrel—like I’m just being stubborn and I won’t come home. But we hooked up once. Maybe that should be all it is. Go home to your girlfriend.”  
Liam sat down on the edge of the bed. “We broke up.”  
“Then get back together. You were the fucking Instagram model of a perfect relationship.” Zayn’s voice cracked. “Don’t let me stand in your way.”  
  
At just the wrong time, Liam’s phone buzzed. And he couldn’t help it; he glanced down just in time to see Sophia’s name flash across his screen. Then the screen went completely black.  
  
His phone was dead, and Liam had never cared less about that fact.  
Everyone he needed to talk to was here, in this tiny tent.  
  
“That’s her, isn’t it?” Zayn asked.  
“Zayn—”  
“No.” Zayn rolled back over. “She probably wants to get back together with you.”  
It was hard for Liam to breathe. He took a deep breath, trying not to let it shake on the way out. Zayn’s shoulders were tense, and he could swear they shook a couple of times.  
“What if I want you?” Liam said finally.  
Zayn breathed in deeply again, and Liam’s eyes burned. How could this be happening? How could they both feel this way?  
“We’ve only had one day,” Liam thought. “It isn’t supposed to feel like this. It’s too fast, and too much.”  
  
“Just. Go to sleep.” Zayn scooted down, ducking under the covers again. He rolled over..   
Liam took a deep breath. Why did this feel like diving underwater? He adjusted the blankets and sleeping bag area beneath his head, trying to make a pillow.   
Liam brushed against Zayn, and they both froze. “Sorry.” Liam whispered.  
“It’s fine.”  
Liam stared up at the ceiling. The sun had set while they’d been talking, and rain was pattering down on the roof of the tent.  
“Is this tent going to flood?” Zayn asked.  
Liam snorted. “No.”  
“Okay. I didn’t know.”  
“I didn’t mean to sound—”  
“It’s fine—” Zayn interrupted. “I just want to go to sleep.”  
“Okay.” 

  
There was an itch on Liam’s ear, but to scratch it, he’d need to jostle Zayn. Zayn had moved as far away from Liam as possible while on the pallet, but they were still crammed. Liam was practically holding his breath, and he felt like he could feel the heat pulsing off of Zayn’s body.  
He wanted so badly to run his hand against Zayn’s cheek, to trace that sharp jawline and the places where he’d left kisses earlier.  
Slowly, Liam twitched his fingers. He bent his right arm, keeping it close to his body…  
  
“I’m scared, too.” Zayn said.  
Liam turned to look at Zayn. His eyes were wide open.

ZAYN  
  
  
“I don’t want this to be the end of us.” Liam said. “I’m sorry that I said that. I’m sorry my life’s so fucked up right now.”  
  
There were a lot of things Zayn wanted to say. Things that would make this easier, that would make this last longer. Things like ‘I want you’ and ‘I’m yours’ and ‘I’ll wait.’  
  
But Zayn didn’t want to wait in the wings to be someone important. He didn’t want to say this was something short-term and nonchalant when every breath between them was laced with meaning.  
Which meant that all Zayn had left was the truth:  
  
“Do you want to be with her?”  
  
Liam’s lip trembled.  
Zayn adjusted his glasses. “I won’t take second place. I won’t be the rebound, or the thing that makes you realize you’re over her or you want her back.”  
“I—I loved her.”  
“I know.”  
“I can’t just forget about her.” Liam touched Zayn’s cheek, and Zayn felt like he was going to melt, dissipate into nothingness. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Liam to stop.  
“I can’t be with someone who isn’t in this like I am.” Zayn said instead.  
Liam took his hand away, and Zayn felt like part of him left with it.  
  
“That’s why I’m scared, Liam.” Zayn whispered. “I’m scared because I’m going to fall in love with you, and you’re just going to leave me in the dirt because she wants you back.”  
Liam shook his head violently. “I wouldn’t do that. I—”  
  
“Have you ever heard of koi no yokan?” Zayn interrupted.   
A grin spread across Liam’s face, contrasting with the anguish in his eyes. “What?”  
“The first time I saw you, I felt it. You walked in to IT to hand out some announcements, and I almost fell over, it was so strong.”  
“So you liked me?”  
“No.” Zayn shook his head. He could hear himself talking, hear how bad of an idea it was to say this, but Liam had to understand. He had to see that this wasn’t about just liking someone.  
Zayn didn’t deserve anything less than someone who was in it as much as he was.  
“It’s called ‘love at second sight.’ You don’t love someone, but you feel like you will. You can see it coming, like a premonition. Like driving toward the edge of a cliff and getting ready for the fall.”  
“Koi no yokan?”  
“I’m not going to be here if you’re doubting this. If any part of you thinks that you might go back to her, you aren’t enough for me.” His voice broke. “No matter how much I want you.”  
“I want you, too.” Liam’s stroked Zayn’s cheek again.  
Zayn grabbed Liam’s wrist. “But do you want me enough?” 

Liam opened his mouth to reply, a question in his eyes, then a crash of thunder broke the silence. There was a scream, then a loud thud.  
“What was that?”  
“Oh my god.” Liam bolted to his feet and started to pull his shorts on. “LOUIS! HARRY!”  
“LIAM?” Harry’s head poked through the tent, his curls tousled. “Looks like a flash flood. We’re gonna have to risk the journey back.”  
“Is that safe?” Zayn’s heart pounded. He scrambled out of the blankets and started to pull on his sneakers.  
“With Wilderness Guide here, we’ll be fine. Easy peasy.” Harry clapped Liam on the back.  
“Just stay close to me,” Liam said.  
Thunder crashed overhead, and Louis ducked through the flap. “Let’s go!” he waved them forward, and they took off.  
And Zayn didn’t know if it was because of what they’d said, or because he thought that they might be going to die, but he grabbed Liam’s hand.   
  


The way down was a slip and slide, stumbling down blind corners with only flashlights as a guide.  
Twice, Zayn nearly tripped off the edge of a bluff, his sneakers sliding on the slick rock.  
By the time they were halfway down, Liam’s hand was wrapped around Zayn’s waist, nearly lifting him over the slippery ground and the broken stretches of rock. The rain in Zayn’s glasses made visibility practically impossible. 

“It’s gonna be okay, got me?” as soon as Liam finished speaking, a flash of lightning illuminated the scene. Everyone was drenched, squinting through the rain, and Harry and Louis stumbled ahead, helping one another over each step.  
Zayn gulped when he saw the trail in front of them.  
They had such a long way to go.  
“Got me?” Liam said again, when Zayn didn’t reply.  
“Yes.” Zayn shouted over the rain.  
And to Zayn’s utter astonishment, Liam actually grinned. “Let’s go.”


	5. What if he stayed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday after the hiking trip, and the heat wave has dissipated. Zayn and Liam are going to have to figure out if it's worth it. Featuring some of my favorite cliches, no I do not take criticism.
> 
> Sorry it took so long to finish this, I was very sad and also I left my laptop charger at home because my life is a walking disaster. Anyway have fun y'all. Love you.

-MONDAY-

LIAM  
  
Monday morning dawned bright and cold. The storm on Saturday had swept away the heat wave, and fall had well and truly arrived in the valley. Liam donned a thick, wool scarf and wrapped it around his neck as he walked out of his apartment. He tried not to look at the bare walls and the empty floor. 

  


Sophia had come for most of the furniture yesterday, leaving him the bed “for old times’ sake.” She’d made Liam help her move it into the truck, even though she could have hired movers.  
There’d been a moment when they’d set down the couch. Sweaty and laughing, stumbling when Liam accidentally banged his knee against the wall. Sophia had come around to see if he was okay, and the look on her face made him almost think it was like before. Like they could make it.  
Then her expression changed, and their laughter dried up. “I should probably go.” Sophia said.  
  
Before she left, she hugged him goodbye. When she pulled away, she was watching his face. Liam had seen that expression before. It was the same one she got the week before finals, when she was trying to cram over two months’ worth of knowledge into a procrastination-fueled frenzy. Trying to figure out a complex equation without looking in the back of the book for the answers, “because that isn’t the fun way.”  
  
“I’m going to miss you.” She said.  
“I’m going to miss you, too.”  
Sophia reached out to touch his cheek, and Liam rested his head on her palm, just for a second. “We really were something, weren’t we?”  
  
For a moment, it all flashed in Liam’s head. The day they’d met, serendipitously forced into the same group at freshmen orientation. The night they’d kissed right underneath the awning to her dorm, because Liam couldn’t wait any longer.  
  
Last week, when Liam had looked at her from across his coffee and realized that he had no idea who she was. Staring at her phone, laughing at a joke she wouldn’t share with him, he'd realized that the woman he had fallen in love with was a stranger.  
A stranger he felt no interest in getting to know again.  
  
Liam felt a stab of grief, mixed with regret. Maybe if he’d paid better attention. Maybe if she’d told him what she wanted, it would be different.  
But there was no doubt in Liam’s mind that it was over.  
  
Because even now, as Liam felt her hand upon his cheek, his mind was flashing back to Saturday. His lips on Zayn’s in the midst of that cave pool. The soft sigh Zayn had made as he’d rolled over, trying to keep the tears at bay.  
And Liam suddenly felt none of the uncertainty he’d felt Saturday. None of the shadowed pain or the desire for closure that had driven him away, that had split him and Zayn apart before they could be anything.  
Instead, all he could think about was Zayn, his clothes plastered to his skin, his hair dripping wet.  
The feel of Zayn’s hand in his as they raced back to their cars through the rain, adrenaline mixed with something more. Liam hadn’t wanted to be anywhere else.   


“It was real.” Liam took her hand and pulled it gently away. “But it’s not anymore.”  
There were tears clinging to Sophia’s eyelashes. “I know. But—you were my best friend.”  
Liam took her hand and squeezed it. A tear rolled down his cheek. “You were mine, too.”  
Sophia’s lip trembled. “I hope you have a wonderful life, Liam. For what it’s worth, I’ll always love you.”  
And Liam knew she was telling the truth, because it was how he felt.  
Maybe their time together was done. Maybe it had all dissolved and warped over time, and there was no way staying together was anything but settling.  
But Sophia was his first love. There would always be a place in his heart that she occupied. He would always think about her as the first person who taught him he could feel this much.  
And even though they weren’t meant to be, something about that was really beautiful. 

  


Liam whipped into his parking space at Associated Strategies and put the car in park. He leaned back against the headrest, rubbing his neck. Sleeping on the stack of blankets that had been left after he'd gotten rid of the bed hadn’t made for exactly the most restful night.  
Liam watched as the employees started to arrive. He’d be late if he didn’t start moving, but he couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car.  
He couldn’t bring himself to admit he was waiting for someone.  
  
Veronica and Pierre, two people from IT, walked up to the front entrance, yawning and guzzling mugs of coffee. Veronica’s hair was braided in pigtails, and Pierre was tugging on one of them as they talked, stepping back without missing a beat to let her in. Liam looked around, but he couldn’t see Zayn. He frowned. Weren’t they all friends?  
  
He wasn’t sure what was better—greet Zayn in the lobby like nothing happened, or ambush him out here and have it out. Was he being creepy by waiting? Did Zayn even want to see him?  
Maybe Liam should just let this go. They worked in different departments. It would be hard for Liam to avoid Zayn, but not impossible. He could go to the restroom when he saw Zayn coming. Get Felicity in HR to deliver his mail.  
Liam did not need to see Zayn ever again.  
Only thing was, he wasn’t sure if he could. Wasn’t sure if today was going to end everything, or begin it.  
But one thing was certain: by the end of today, everything would change.  
Liam shook his head, wincing as his neck twinged. It was 8:30, and he’d have his ass handed to him if he didn’t get behind his desk in five minutes.  
Liam grabbed his keys and briefcase and climbed out of his car, sweeping the parking lot one last time.  
Nothing.  
As Liam got closer to those reflective glass doors, he could feel a pit growing in the bottom of his stomach.  
Even if it wrecked him, he had to tell Zayn the truth. No matter how confusing it sounded, or how much of it might be caught up in Liam’s emotional baggage, Zayn had to know.  
He had to know that this wasn’t something Liam thought he could ever walk away from. 

  


ZAYN  
  
  
Zayn wasn’t going into work today.  
  
On Sunday morning, he’d been determined not to go. He’d paced up and down his office, composing an email that would excuse him.  
Only problem was, there'd been a fucking knot of anxiety in his chest whenever he’d tried to compose the typical ‘I’m sick’ email. Zayn wasn’t sick. He never took a sick day.  
And he’d kept imagining the crestfallen look on Pierre and Veronica’s faces when they realized he wouldn’t be troubleshooting the security system with them. It was their favorite Monday activity.  
"Ten years since high school and I’m still a fucking nerd. “  
  
He’d been lying on his couch last night, flipping through old reruns of Battlestar Galactica and scrolling through a Stormpilot fic on his phone, when it happened.  
There was a sharp tug in his stomach, then a wave of nausea.  
Panicked, Zayn rushed to the toilet. 

  


It was 8:30 am, and he’d been vomiting for most of the night. He’d woke up with his face pressed to the cold bathroom tile, drool puddling in a pool next to his mouth, only to throw up again.  
“Water,” Zayn muttered, checking his phone. He had two missed texts from Pierre and Veronica, both offering to bring him something. "Can’t stop throwing up" Zayn started to text, until his stomach turned again.  
Zayn heaved, but nothing came out. There was a stabbing pain in his right, lower abdomen.  
The pain increased, and Zayn’s vision went black. 

When he came to, Pierre was kneeling by his side, cradling Zayn’s head in his hands, “Call 911!” Pierre yelled, and Zayn wanted to protest, to say that he was going to be fine, but his abdomen blazed with pain, and his protest turned into a whimper. “You’re gonna be fine.” Pierre told him reassuringly, in spite of the way his hands were shaking while holding his head. “You’re going to be okay.”  
Zayn wanted to ask Pierre something else, but he couldn’t. His limbs were so heavy… 

Zayn awoke to a white ceiling and thin, scratchy sheets. He rolled over, squinting in the light, trying to find his glasses.  
As he did so, he brushed against something warm and solid. Sunlight streamed in through the window, illuminating the figure on the side of the bed. He had impossibly broad shoulders, and he wore a rumpled dress shirt and slacks. His dark hair was sticking up, as though he’d run his fingers through it.  
Could it be?  
Zayn fumbled on the bedside table, finally grasping his glasses and pulling them on.  
Liam was sitting by his bedside.  
Liam.  
  
His tie was undone, and his head was pillowed on his arms. He had dark circles and red rims around his eyes, and he looked as though he hadn’t moved in hours.  
Zayn didn’t think he’d ever been happier to see anyone in his entire life.  
Liam’s presence was a light that lit up his entire chest, burning and comforting at the same time.  
  
“Liam?”  
Liam’s eyes snapped open. “Zayn?” He raised his head groggily, then winced. “Ugh. My neck.”  
“Did you sleep here?” Zayn didn’t know what he was even saying. “How—how did I get here?”  
Liam rolled his head from side to side. His joints popped. “Pierre called. Said something about appendicitis.”  
“Oh. So did I—” Zayn looked down, suddenly realizing he was wearing nothing but a flimsy hospital gown. He pulled the blankets up to his chest, then winced at a stabbing pain in his right side. He moved his fingers down, feeling a large wound dressing. “Is that—”  
“Just a little scar, they said. You should be okay in a couple weeks.”  
“How did they let you in here?” Zayn interrupted. “You’re not family.”  
Liam’s cheeks reddened. “I—uh. I told them we were together.”  
“Why would you do that?” Zayn didn’t mean for his words to come out harsh, but he was tired. He’d spent the last day hurling all his guts out, and he’d had surgery, and—  
The person who had managed to make him feel absolute elation and unalterable devastation was sitting before him, telling complete strangers lies to get his medical information.  
Liam looked like he was going to answer, but Zayn interrupted, “This isn’t any of your business, Liam. You made that perfectly clear.”  
Liam set his jaw. “I told you that you scared me. I told you this changes things, even if I don’t want it to.”  
“You just broke up with your girlfriend.” Zayn reminded him. "You're in not position to want anything--"  
“I know.” Liam said. He made a fist with one of his hands. “And I know it’s shitty of me to do this now. I know I should just leave you alone.”  
  
He reached for Zayn’s hand, and Zayn knew that he should pull away, but he couldn’t. Liam’s callused palms felt so right against his own, and his lips were parted in a way that made Zayn want to kiss him. He wanted to brush his lips against Liam’s eyelids, bite his earlobe. He wanted to swallow him whole. He wanted to wrap himself up in Liam until there was nothing left.  
Then, just maybe, it might be enough.  
And that terrified him.  
  
“I can’t walk away from this,” Liam said. “I don’t want to.”  
< “What if I do?” Zayn asked softly. “What if I say, ‘It’s too hard. And ‘I don’t want to be with someone who even doubts for a second that they want me.’ And ‘I’m not letting myself get hurt again.’ What if I decide that self-preservation is more important?”  
Liam squeezed Zayn’s hand. “I’m not going to hurt you.”  
“You can’t promise that. That’s not how this works.” Zayn shook his head. “No one gets together expecting that one day it’ll fall apart. No one expects it to end.”  
“But it does.” Liam was nodding, and Zayn knew he was thinking of his girlfriend. “And it’s still beautiful, what happened before. It’s still worth it.”  
“I don’t know if it is.” Zayn could feel himself starting to cry, but he couldn’t help it. All his defenses had been knocked down, and now he was naked in front of this man. This man that Zayn knew could shake everything up, recreate him and challenge him and change him, if he said yes. The man that would break Zayn apart, if he let him in. “I’m so scared, Liam. What do we do if we end?”  
“I can’t promise you the future. I can’t tell you what it’s gonna be like a year from now, or ten years from now. But I can say—this feels big, Zayn. It feels like—this might be the moment where we find happiness. This might be the thing that makes everything else worth it.”  
“And if it’s not?”  
“Then it’s not.” Liam looked at him fiercely. “But I won’t give up on this. I don’t care if you’re scared; I’m scared too. But I’m jumping anyway.”  
  
Zayn couldn’t stop crying. The tears poured out of him, unbidden, as though they’d been waiting all this time to be set free.  
And Zayn thought about what would happen if he let Liam in. If they got so happy, he was blind with it. So happy that he thought there was no way of coming down.  
It flashed in his mind’s eye—first dates and kisses and nights spent rolling around in bed. Liam’s eyes crinkling with laughter, and confetti falling from the sky as the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. Zayn’s head on Liam’s chest, and the silence that comes with total contentment. Breathing each other in.  
  
And then Zayn thought about what else would happen. Screaming fights in the kitchen, and nights spent sleeping stiffly by each other’s side. Zayn’s anxiety rendering him a helpless mess on the bathroom floor. Quiet sobs and makeup sex. Bills and responsibilities and the delicate balance of relationships and friends. Liam, walking away in the middle of the night because it was too much. The devastation that would come with it, like a tornado that flattened everything in its path.  
  
There were so many reasons to push Liam away. Happiness was a distant daydream, and self-preservation the reality. If Liam walked away, would Zayn be able to survive it?

Zayn scooted to the edge of the bed and pulled up a corner of the sheet. “Get in.”  
Liam nearly bowled Zayn over as he crawled onto the bed, sandwiching his broad frame between Zayn and the railing.  
“Zayn.” Liam said softly, like a prayer. He kissed Zayn’s eyelids, then his cheeks, then his mouth. And Zayn kissed him back with all the minimal strength he had, not caring that he probably had horrible breath, not even noticing that the call remote was smashed against his back.  
  
Zayn was kissing Liam, and he wanted it all. He wanted the happiness and the devastation. The New Year’s Eve kisses and the drag-out fights.  
He knew that it might all blow up in his face. That it might wreck him completely.  
But he had to try.  
Because maybe it would all end. Maybe it would be too much. Maybe Liam would walk away.  
But what if he stayed?

After a few moments, Zayn pulled away. He traced Liam’s cheekbone with his thumb. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”  
Their eyes locked. “I think I’m already there,” Liam said softly.  
“I’m so glad we went hiking.”  
“Does that mean you’ll go again?” Liam kissed Zayn’s knuckle, and Zayn felt it all the way to his feet.  
Zayn closed his eyes, the pillow soft against his head, Liam’s presence lulling him into pure contentment. “Not a chance."  
  
The last thing Zayn’s heard was Liam’s giggle. And the last thing he thought, as exhaustion overtook him and he drifted off to sleep, was how lucky he would be if he got to hear that giggle for the rest of his life.


End file.
